Steven Wright Quotes - FUNNY!!!
Wright on Wright
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
"I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel."
"I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify'. I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?"
"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen."
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'."
Philosophically Wright
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
"If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!"
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar'."
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
"It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused."
"How young can you die of old age?"
Pedantically Wright
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'."
"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"On the other hand... You have different fingers."
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time."
"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'..."
"I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'."
Things that make you go "Hmmm..."
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. "
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"
Monetary matters
"If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?"
"One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95."
"I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.'"
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny."
Friends & Neighbors
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house."
"While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?'"
"Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!"
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
Wright out of this world ...
"Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ..."
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'."
"Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
"Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it."