Tired Of E-Mail Chain Letters? So is this guy...
Hello,
my name is Joe Grantner. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on exams, extreme virginity, fear of being
kidnapped
and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding
out 50
billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe that
if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas
with a
breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have
it
removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling
freak
show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone
you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I
scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
Playboy model
in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big "FUCK YOU" to all
the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail
forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my
apartment and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was
started by
Jesus in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims
on the
Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the
Guinness Book
of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant
stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something
amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
friends,and this poor,
wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some
omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking
care.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please..... they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something
else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make
you feel
guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this
to 50962
people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
thrown
off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake
ones, THIS one
is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending
them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending
them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you
for sending
them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you
for
sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.You see, there is a
starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs,
no parents,
and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for
every
time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to "The
Little Starving
Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen
Fund". Oh, and
remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent
and this
is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send
this to 5
people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you
accidentally
send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks
again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.
This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and
probably not as
many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it
works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible
will happen to you like:
Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently
received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack
in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drain pipe in a
flood of
shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she
smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored
it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend
(hey, some
people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were
cursed to
eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To
You
Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send
this
letter to all of your friends who, like you, have nothing better
to do, and
everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one
of your
friends.
Friends:
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit,
and your
breath smells like you've been eating catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a
hat full
of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled
yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry
about your
sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really
think you
should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets
the check
and leaves and doesn't speak much English..... no, sorry that's
the cleaning
lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he
wants his
wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening
to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's
funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty about a
leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead
elephant for 27
years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive
if you
forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now foward this to as many people as possible or you will die a
horrible
burning death at the hands of pagan gods.